How are our beloved pundits getting on?
A quick rundown of how I think some of the key-men have been doing:
BBC
Lineker: He's Gary Lineker, and therefore above criticism, but I think he's been doing alright. PASS
Colin Murray: Murray has a reasonably light touch and I have no problems with him save one: the Norn Iron accent. FAIL
Hansen: I can clearly remember a time when Hansen used to lean back, and almost sound mystical; I'm pretty sure we used to revere him as some sort of master pundit. He now seems to delight in his lack of knowledge of anything other than the Prem. And stop saying "great hit". FAIL
Shearer: The truth is, I've gone past the point of ill will towards Shearer; he even tried to make a little documentary about poverty in the townships and whatever else earlier in the tournament. The truth is, the bloke is not capable of analysing the game to any serious level; it's always "great cross, and a tidy finish". "We've picked him up here, and he's made a great run to get on the end of it". We. Can. See. That. Perhaps Shearer has a blind relative, and practices by simply telling her what he sees on the screen. I don't wish him any ill-will, I'd just like it if he couldn't talk. FAIL.
Dixon: I like him actually. PASS
Redknapp: Fuck off Bagpuss. FAIL (he's actually been quite insightful, but it's 'Arry Redknapp. I'm a Southampton fan)
Seedorf: Seedorf gets a pass simply because of the short he did about the ball. It's not like he's said anything interesting, but you can at least understand the man. PASS
Adebayor: A completely cynical piece of broadcasting (here's an African, he must know something about football, get him on) is rightly backfiring: Adebayor is fucking hopeless: long meandering sentences, a low timbre you can't even hear. FAIL
Pearce: I don't mind him, but as the lead commentator, he should be looking to add gravitas and importance to the occasion. He isn't. FAIL
Wilson: The Michael Cole of football commentary: a banal yes man, who cannot express excitement properly, and actually gives me a headache if it's an exciting match.FAIL
Lawrenson: Stop. Step away from the jokebook. FAIL
Bright: Stop. It is only the presence of ITV's dynamic duo that saves Bright from the ignominy of being perhaps the least effective football broadcaster currently working. FAIL
McCarthy: Capable of insight, and surprisingly is fairly intelligent. Voice could commentate on anything and make it sound dull. The apocalypse. A Miley Cyrus porno. Anything. FAIL
Logan: Would Smash. So would Capello. PASS
ITV
Chiles: You're not my fucking mate, and you never will be (because of your fucking accent, alright?). Can the fucking banter, you cunt. FAIL
Smith: Diamond in the rough. Love him. PASS
Townsend: a walking cliche machine at this point, and a man unsuited to pulling double duty as shit-pundit and shit-co-commentator. ITV should look to bin him off I think; he's had his day and is far more effective on the radio. FAIL
Earle: Bwahahaha FAIL
Southgate: Gareth is bland, and smooth, but inoffensive, so for this lot, he gets a PASS. Some of the ITV cast make him look like Will Self FFS.
Keegan: It's good to see Kelvin back on the box; and he's far better suited to punditry than co-commentary, which was his previous gig with Mooro, in the days when he used to defend elbows to the face, and get every prediction wrong. I actually think he's doing alright PASS
Vieira: Completely spherical head distracts from everything else. His English is better than most of the others token "black men sandwiched 'twixt white men". He probably gets a FAIL though, his head's not that interesting.
Desailly: I have a soft spot for a guy who, as a player, Absolutely Raped Them more than anyone else I've ever seen (Desailly was a fucking marvel, especially sitting in midfield for Milan); it's probably the absurd voice. PASS
Davids: Shit English: Check. Nothing to add: check. Never gets the jokes: Check. Withering looks when someone disagrees: Check. Davids is really quite something; I wonder why they didn't bin him for that jumper fiasco. FAIL.
Tyldo: He is not a man capable of change or development. It'll be Magical Nights In Barcelona, Unforgettable Nights In Istanbul until one of us, or half the population of Cumbria, are in the ground. FAIL
Drury: I didn't mind Drury for the first match, I think because I was convinced they would unleash Tyldo to give it that gravitas. That was a rare blip though; I realised the other day that I have been disliking Drury for 13 solid years now. FAIL.
Beglin: Ah, Beggers. I haven't completely given up on Beglin, because like Hansen and the rest, I did used to enjoy his work. I think he's got pre-senile dementia though, and he makes me long for Pleat, which is absurd. FAIL
Burley: A new addition to the ITV line-up, unless I'm much mistaken. "He hasn't been quite as bad as Cookie Coleman" is perhaps the kindest I could be at this stage. At some point, I know that the literally millions of people who want co-commentators and pundits who understand that their job is to add to the pictures people are receiving at home, will rise up and simply cull dozens of the fucking wasters that we currently endure. Burley will be one of the first against the wall. The real trick is going to be staying alive long enough to see it. FAIL
Chris "Cookie" Coleman: You've heard the man, I'm sure. No amount of usage of the words "fuck" and "cunt" can add to your understanding of the fact that Cookie is totally unsuited to the broadcasting of football on television. The truth is, Cookie makes me long for the moment when he stops talking and Tyldo takes over. This is an unprecedented level of cuntdom. EPIC FAIL.
So the scores on the doors: +4 and -10 for the Beeb, +4 -11 for Channel 3 (Cookie counts double), so I probably have the BBC ahead on -6 against ITV's -7 at the moment (if it does end level, James Corden's presence on ITV is going to be the tie-breaker, incidentally). It's pretty tight though; I guess I'll do another one of these to see if my opinions have changed at all. So there's still time for someone to change my opinion.
Let me know if I forgot anyone; I think Keown is working somewhere, and I don't know if I didn't invent Matt Smith: what show is he doing?
DJ's Football World
4 comments:
Lawrenson only makes me appreciate the god Andy Jacobs and his charmingly funny shit-jokes even more than usual. Anyone that's ever laughed at a Lawrenson joke or quip should be hunted down and then gassed like a badger.
I was gonna say that i can't fathom how most of the papers have come to the conclusion that Dixon is the pundit of the tournament so far, but after reading this and agreeing with nearly all of it (i'd give 'Arry a pass), they're probably right as he's the only one that's managed to be likeable and somewhat insightful thus far.
Keegan's Travolta in Saturday Night Fever get-up has been the sartorial highlight.
Keegan gets a pass? Aw hell naw. I've yet to hear anything that comes out his mouth that isn't a cliché.
Mick McCarthy admitted to not knowing it was THE Veron on the squad sheet for the first Arggie game. Terrible.
I quite like little Lee Dixon...but then again I am an Arsenal fan.
2Shin, Keegan used to be absolutely bloody awful as a co-commentator. He used to make you glad when it was Big Ron. To find that he's now simply a fairly crap pundit is a massive improvement, hence his pass.
Plus he used to genuinely curse games: "there's only gonna be one winner here" - Petrescu scores for Romania. "Will he score, Kevin? Hmmm, Yes" - Batty misses. He's improved tenfold - that's the scary thing.
I'd add Keown and Radebe as FAILs by the way: Keown is a decent pundit, but seems at a loss to have to speak every few seconds. Radebe ticks all of ITVs boxes: black, South African even, used to play football. Obviously he misses the dj box: say something interesting about football. I'd rather they hired that chap Brian who won Big Brother.
Oh fuck me Keegan's horrendous. Fuck it - they all are, shit's embarassing.
ITV's somehow managed to get even worse - I'm sure MOTD2 used to be alright in that cosy Sunday night slot but, like you say, Chiles's chummy bollox is just fucking irritating now. Desailly's a laugh though but that channel can never escape from the shame of those four words. James. Corden. Clive. Tyldesley.
Auntie's had a shocker as well - I used to say to any cunt that could be fucked to listen "oh, don't worry, at least the Beeb have got Wilson and Mowbray for some sensible, grown up chat" - well, fuck me, they've lost it as well. Keown's not too bad as co - shit-chatter but the highlights show with that paddy cunt - fuck me. It's as if their target audience is 5yr olds. Or birds. Cunts.
Post a Comment