So I probably forgot a few guys the last time, hopefully this time I'll remember everyone:
Starting with the BBC (incidentally, the viewing figures for the final, apparently, saw BBC peak at 18 million viewers, and ITV1 peak with 3.8 million viewers: are they going to give up do you think? Perhaps they thought that Beggers unexplained absence (read STI or the presenile dementia really kicking it up a notch, or maybe a combination of the two) was the real crushing blow.
Lineker: PASS. And not just because he's Gary Lineker, he did a pretty good job I thought, was fairly quick witted and was excellent when they reminisced about 1990.
Murray: FAIL Norn Iron et al. I don't spose I'll be watching much fucking MOTD2 this year.
Hansen: FAIL Principally because of all this "great hit" bollocks.
Shearer: FAIL And I realised why I didn't want Spain to win: it's because Shearer had picked them before the tournament, and looked so fucking sad when they lost to the Swiss that I started praying they wouldn't even get out the group. I pity Shearer now, rather than despise him.
Dixon: Has been retconned to a FAIL; he's such a fucking hindsight merchant.
Klinsmann: PASS I liked him actually. Excellent talking about Italia 90, and seems more thoughtful than most.
Seedorf: PASS for that short about the ball. Brilliant. He was approaching fail for everything else.
Adebayor: PASS sorry sorry sorry - I know he was fucking awful, but he talked at length about cradling a dying man in his arms; given the standard of the rest of it (Lawro talking about the Boer War?), this was a stunning moment. And his phone went off because his daughter had been born, give him a fucking break. He was shit though, no mistaking that.
Redknapp: FAIL This is my most one-eyed rating, because Redknapp was often the best thing on screen when he was there, but I fucking hate him, so there.
Hodgson: PASS It's Woy, everyone loves Woy. Or at least, they did until he went to Liverpool.
Motson: PASS I liked his studio spots, principally because he droned for 45 seconds rather than 45 minutes. I respect the guy for his knowledge, so enjoyed these segments.
Lawrenson: FAIL Just fuck off with the jokes now.
Bright: FAIL Jesus. Unbelievably dull.
McCarthy: FAIL I like Mick a lot, but not when he's talking. Again, could make you want to switch off a Miley Cyrus porno.
Keown: FAIL A decent pundit made a boring Co-Comm. A shame.
Mowbray: FAIL Completely unsuited to being a number one commentator. I know I have a pop at Tyldo continually for his irritating attempts to convince you that you are watching something Truly Important; but Mowbray is incapable of investing anything with any weight, and as such was a poor choice for the big matches here. If this was his trial as one of the big boys, he failed. And his one-eyedness when it came to England was fucking shameful for a "British" broadcaster.
Pearce: PASS, principally because he made me glad it wasn't Mowbray.
Wilson: FAIL, I had him and Mowbray confused for most of the time. Equally nondescript.
Gabby: PASS or perhaps more accurately SMASH
I think that's 8-11, for a score of -3. I think that's going to be enough to win it, in fact, they did pretty well really. Well done BBC.
ITV
Chiles: FAIL ITV fucked this up majorly, and proved beyond any dispute that Adrian Chiles is not suited to primetime sports broadcasting presentation. He may be a decent hand with light entertainment, he may have a light touch with highlight shows, but he doesn't have what it takes to present the televisual coverage of the World Cup. The experiment failed, and I hope that they simply give Matt Smith a go at the long term anchor shot. He's a pro, and is being wasted wherever he is. They've bought in anchor upon anchor, and they overlook the homegrown pro they have right there. Hopefully when Chiles fucks off to GMTV, they give Smith a crack at the Champions League and see what he can do.
I didn't watch any highlights on ITV, so I have no idea who presented that. Maybe it was my beloved Smith.
Townsend: FAIL I acutally haven't seen the bloke analyse anything for weeks, because I simply don't watch the ITV half-time coverage or build-up. I simply don't believe it's going to add to my understanding or enjoyment of the occasion. Andy played a full part in this. He's played out.
Earle: FAIL Because he got sacked for selling his comp tickets for use in a marketing stunt, basically.
Southgate: PASS I like him, I guess. He's no more or less bland than anyone else, I'm just gently biased.
Keegan: PASS He didn't quit halfway through, after all. That represents a win for Wor Kevin.
Davids: FAIL Absolutely bloody awful, probably the worst token black man out of the lot, I found him actively repellent. Fuck off with yer sponsored clothes.
Radebe: FAIL A bucket of water would have made an equal impression.
Vieira: PASS For the spherical head, mostly. I would have loved it if he had smeared decongestant on his shirt and tie.
Desailly: FAIL You might be Ghanaian by birth mate, but you fucking sold them down the river as soon as you could for a shot at glory with France. So pipe down and fucking stop with the dancing; you weren't patriotic enough to actually represent your fucking country.
Burley: FAIL Often, a co-commentator has to analyse and discuss whether a penalty should be awarded for a challenge in the box. Burley got every single one wrong, without exception. Not good, but fairly consistent with the rest of his job.
Beggers: FAIL Just appalling. Maybe it used to be that I was stupid, rather than that he used to be good.
Coleman: FAIL Just completely inappropriate for television. Completely bloody awful everytime he was on. Dull, monotonous voice spouting cliche after cliche. Terrible choice.
Tyldo: FAIL He won't change, I can see that now. I think, to be honest, I'm just not going to watch football on ITV. I hope they don't get any good matches in the next European Championship.
Drury: FAIL Again, the voice, the mistakes, the terrible sentences ... nothing's changing in a hurry. They've had 12 years with these two behind the mike, and they still think they're worth employing. Just don't watch ITV.
That's everyone I think ... 3-11. They can have a PASS for Smith if he was doing the highlights, for 4-11, and that's -7. So the Corden tiebreak didn't even come into play.
I'd love it if there was to be some sort of shift in the broadcasting of football in this country, and that football programs would feature commentators who add to the pictures, co-commentators giving serious analysis, pundits who focus on tactics and shape, and a starting ethos that just because you are good at football or even management, you will not necessarily be a good pundit. It's probably an impossible dream though. As it is, I don't think I'll bother watching much ITV football again.
Showing posts with label And it's coming up live right after the break. Show all posts
Showing posts with label And it's coming up live right after the break. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Thursday, 24 June 2010
TV Watch
How are our beloved pundits getting on?
A quick rundown of how I think some of the key-men have been doing:
BBC
Lineker: He's Gary Lineker, and therefore above criticism, but I think he's been doing alright. PASS
Colin Murray: Murray has a reasonably light touch and I have no problems with him save one: the Norn Iron accent. FAIL
Hansen: I can clearly remember a time when Hansen used to lean back, and almost sound mystical; I'm pretty sure we used to revere him as some sort of master pundit. He now seems to delight in his lack of knowledge of anything other than the Prem. And stop saying "great hit". FAIL
Shearer: The truth is, I've gone past the point of ill will towards Shearer; he even tried to make a little documentary about poverty in the townships and whatever else earlier in the tournament. The truth is, the bloke is not capable of analysing the game to any serious level; it's always "great cross, and a tidy finish". "We've picked him up here, and he's made a great run to get on the end of it". We. Can. See. That. Perhaps Shearer has a blind relative, and practices by simply telling her what he sees on the screen. I don't wish him any ill-will, I'd just like it if he couldn't talk. FAIL.
Dixon: I like him actually. PASS
Redknapp: Fuck off Bagpuss. FAIL (he's actually been quite insightful, but it's 'Arry Redknapp. I'm a Southampton fan)
Seedorf: Seedorf gets a pass simply because of the short he did about the ball. It's not like he's said anything interesting, but you can at least understand the man. PASS
Adebayor: A completely cynical piece of broadcasting (here's an African, he must know something about football, get him on) is rightly backfiring: Adebayor is fucking hopeless: long meandering sentences, a low timbre you can't even hear. FAIL
Pearce: I don't mind him, but as the lead commentator, he should be looking to add gravitas and importance to the occasion. He isn't. FAIL
Wilson: The Michael Cole of football commentary: a banal yes man, who cannot express excitement properly, and actually gives me a headache if it's an exciting match.FAIL
Lawrenson: Stop. Step away from the jokebook. FAIL
Bright: Stop. It is only the presence of ITV's dynamic duo that saves Bright from the ignominy of being perhaps the least effective football broadcaster currently working. FAIL
McCarthy: Capable of insight, and surprisingly is fairly intelligent. Voice could commentate on anything and make it sound dull. The apocalypse. A Miley Cyrus porno. Anything. FAIL
Logan: Would Smash. So would Capello. PASS
ITV
Chiles: You're not my fucking mate, and you never will be (because of your fucking accent, alright?). Can the fucking banter, you cunt. FAIL
Smith: Diamond in the rough. Love him. PASS
Townsend: a walking cliche machine at this point, and a man unsuited to pulling double duty as shit-pundit and shit-co-commentator. ITV should look to bin him off I think; he's had his day and is far more effective on the radio. FAIL
Earle: Bwahahaha FAIL
Southgate: Gareth is bland, and smooth, but inoffensive, so for this lot, he gets a PASS. Some of the ITV cast make him look like Will Self FFS.
Keegan: It's good to see Kelvin back on the box; and he's far better suited to punditry than co-commentary, which was his previous gig with Mooro, in the days when he used to defend elbows to the face, and get every prediction wrong. I actually think he's doing alright PASS
Vieira: Completely spherical head distracts from everything else. His English is better than most of the others token "black men sandwiched 'twixt white men". He probably gets a FAIL though, his head's not that interesting.
Desailly: I have a soft spot for a guy who, as a player, Absolutely Raped Them more than anyone else I've ever seen (Desailly was a fucking marvel, especially sitting in midfield for Milan); it's probably the absurd voice. PASS
Davids: Shit English: Check. Nothing to add: check. Never gets the jokes: Check. Withering looks when someone disagrees: Check. Davids is really quite something; I wonder why they didn't bin him for that jumper fiasco. FAIL.
Tyldo: He is not a man capable of change or development. It'll be Magical Nights In Barcelona, Unforgettable Nights In Istanbul until one of us, or half the population of Cumbria, are in the ground. FAIL
Drury: I didn't mind Drury for the first match, I think because I was convinced they would unleash Tyldo to give it that gravitas. That was a rare blip though; I realised the other day that I have been disliking Drury for 13 solid years now. FAIL.
Beglin: Ah, Beggers. I haven't completely given up on Beglin, because like Hansen and the rest, I did used to enjoy his work. I think he's got pre-senile dementia though, and he makes me long for Pleat, which is absurd. FAIL
Burley: A new addition to the ITV line-up, unless I'm much mistaken. "He hasn't been quite as bad as Cookie Coleman" is perhaps the kindest I could be at this stage. At some point, I know that the literally millions of people who want co-commentators and pundits who understand that their job is to add to the pictures people are receiving at home, will rise up and simply cull dozens of the fucking wasters that we currently endure. Burley will be one of the first against the wall. The real trick is going to be staying alive long enough to see it. FAIL
Chris "Cookie" Coleman: You've heard the man, I'm sure. No amount of usage of the words "fuck" and "cunt" can add to your understanding of the fact that Cookie is totally unsuited to the broadcasting of football on television. The truth is, Cookie makes me long for the moment when he stops talking and Tyldo takes over. This is an unprecedented level of cuntdom. EPIC FAIL.
So the scores on the doors: +4 and -10 for the Beeb, +4 -11 for Channel 3 (Cookie counts double), so I probably have the BBC ahead on -6 against ITV's -7 at the moment (if it does end level, James Corden's presence on ITV is going to be the tie-breaker, incidentally). It's pretty tight though; I guess I'll do another one of these to see if my opinions have changed at all. So there's still time for someone to change my opinion.
Let me know if I forgot anyone; I think Keown is working somewhere, and I don't know if I didn't invent Matt Smith: what show is he doing?
A quick rundown of how I think some of the key-men have been doing:
BBC
Lineker: He's Gary Lineker, and therefore above criticism, but I think he's been doing alright. PASS
Colin Murray: Murray has a reasonably light touch and I have no problems with him save one: the Norn Iron accent. FAIL
Hansen: I can clearly remember a time when Hansen used to lean back, and almost sound mystical; I'm pretty sure we used to revere him as some sort of master pundit. He now seems to delight in his lack of knowledge of anything other than the Prem. And stop saying "great hit". FAIL
Shearer: The truth is, I've gone past the point of ill will towards Shearer; he even tried to make a little documentary about poverty in the townships and whatever else earlier in the tournament. The truth is, the bloke is not capable of analysing the game to any serious level; it's always "great cross, and a tidy finish". "We've picked him up here, and he's made a great run to get on the end of it". We. Can. See. That. Perhaps Shearer has a blind relative, and practices by simply telling her what he sees on the screen. I don't wish him any ill-will, I'd just like it if he couldn't talk. FAIL.
Dixon: I like him actually. PASS
Redknapp: Fuck off Bagpuss. FAIL (he's actually been quite insightful, but it's 'Arry Redknapp. I'm a Southampton fan)
Seedorf: Seedorf gets a pass simply because of the short he did about the ball. It's not like he's said anything interesting, but you can at least understand the man. PASS
Adebayor: A completely cynical piece of broadcasting (here's an African, he must know something about football, get him on) is rightly backfiring: Adebayor is fucking hopeless: long meandering sentences, a low timbre you can't even hear. FAIL
Pearce: I don't mind him, but as the lead commentator, he should be looking to add gravitas and importance to the occasion. He isn't. FAIL
Wilson: The Michael Cole of football commentary: a banal yes man, who cannot express excitement properly, and actually gives me a headache if it's an exciting match.FAIL
Lawrenson: Stop. Step away from the jokebook. FAIL
Bright: Stop. It is only the presence of ITV's dynamic duo that saves Bright from the ignominy of being perhaps the least effective football broadcaster currently working. FAIL
McCarthy: Capable of insight, and surprisingly is fairly intelligent. Voice could commentate on anything and make it sound dull. The apocalypse. A Miley Cyrus porno. Anything. FAIL
Logan: Would Smash. So would Capello. PASS
ITV
Chiles: You're not my fucking mate, and you never will be (because of your fucking accent, alright?). Can the fucking banter, you cunt. FAIL
Smith: Diamond in the rough. Love him. PASS
Townsend: a walking cliche machine at this point, and a man unsuited to pulling double duty as shit-pundit and shit-co-commentator. ITV should look to bin him off I think; he's had his day and is far more effective on the radio. FAIL
Earle: Bwahahaha FAIL
Southgate: Gareth is bland, and smooth, but inoffensive, so for this lot, he gets a PASS. Some of the ITV cast make him look like Will Self FFS.
Keegan: It's good to see Kelvin back on the box; and he's far better suited to punditry than co-commentary, which was his previous gig with Mooro, in the days when he used to defend elbows to the face, and get every prediction wrong. I actually think he's doing alright PASS
Vieira: Completely spherical head distracts from everything else. His English is better than most of the others token "black men sandwiched 'twixt white men". He probably gets a FAIL though, his head's not that interesting.
Desailly: I have a soft spot for a guy who, as a player, Absolutely Raped Them more than anyone else I've ever seen (Desailly was a fucking marvel, especially sitting in midfield for Milan); it's probably the absurd voice. PASS
Davids: Shit English: Check. Nothing to add: check. Never gets the jokes: Check. Withering looks when someone disagrees: Check. Davids is really quite something; I wonder why they didn't bin him for that jumper fiasco. FAIL.
Tyldo: He is not a man capable of change or development. It'll be Magical Nights In Barcelona, Unforgettable Nights In Istanbul until one of us, or half the population of Cumbria, are in the ground. FAIL
Drury: I didn't mind Drury for the first match, I think because I was convinced they would unleash Tyldo to give it that gravitas. That was a rare blip though; I realised the other day that I have been disliking Drury for 13 solid years now. FAIL.
Beglin: Ah, Beggers. I haven't completely given up on Beglin, because like Hansen and the rest, I did used to enjoy his work. I think he's got pre-senile dementia though, and he makes me long for Pleat, which is absurd. FAIL
Burley: A new addition to the ITV line-up, unless I'm much mistaken. "He hasn't been quite as bad as Cookie Coleman" is perhaps the kindest I could be at this stage. At some point, I know that the literally millions of people who want co-commentators and pundits who understand that their job is to add to the pictures people are receiving at home, will rise up and simply cull dozens of the fucking wasters that we currently endure. Burley will be one of the first against the wall. The real trick is going to be staying alive long enough to see it. FAIL
Chris "Cookie" Coleman: You've heard the man, I'm sure. No amount of usage of the words "fuck" and "cunt" can add to your understanding of the fact that Cookie is totally unsuited to the broadcasting of football on television. The truth is, Cookie makes me long for the moment when he stops talking and Tyldo takes over. This is an unprecedented level of cuntdom. EPIC FAIL.
So the scores on the doors: +4 and -10 for the Beeb, +4 -11 for Channel 3 (Cookie counts double), so I probably have the BBC ahead on -6 against ITV's -7 at the moment (if it does end level, James Corden's presence on ITV is going to be the tie-breaker, incidentally). It's pretty tight though; I guess I'll do another one of these to see if my opinions have changed at all. So there's still time for someone to change my opinion.
Let me know if I forgot anyone; I think Keown is working somewhere, and I don't know if I didn't invent Matt Smith: what show is he doing?
Monday, 14 June 2010
A big fat wanker
dj watched 5 minutes of World Cup Live with James Corden. I was babysitting for friends who for some reason have better things to do than watch ze Germans and the Ockers, and I wanted to give Mrs dj a night off, and the chance to do some ironing.
I was going to go on at length about this program on the evidence provided, but along with the bile that this complete fucking piece of shit brought up was a more touching realisation that our's is a nation in decline. And I'm not about to turn into the Daily Mail.
There used to be a this TV show where a brilliant, epoch-defining broadcaster presided over a bunch of braying wankers in two rooms, one big one, and one small one with a big desk and seats for guests. He regularly used to shout at the wankers so they could participate, and had a mix of celebrity guests on to chat. The program wasn't perfect, but you watched it every week. It wasn't a great show, looking back, it was a bit blokey, but it made you laugh, it had great bands, and it was zeitgeisty.
There was also a show where two good comedians who knew stuff about football had celebrity guests in to talk about football in front of a crowd of braying wankers, and made amusing observations about the game. They regularly used to shout at the wankers to get them to join in. The program wasn't perfect, but you watched it every week. It wasn't a great show, it was a bit blokey, but it made you laugh, they knew about football, and it was zeigeisty.
Now there's a show where a shit comedian who knows nothing about football presides over a bunch of braying wankers in two rooms. He regularly shouts at the wankers to encourage participation and he has celebrity guests in to talk about football. The program is not perfect, in fact it's probably as far away from perfect as it could be, and if you see it, you'll want to pluck your eyes out to avoid watching it again. It's not a great show, there aren't any good bands anywhere, they know fuck all about football, the man behind it is a big fat wanker with nothing to bring to any fucking tables, and it couldn't be less zeitgeisty if it tried.
Why the fuck has anyone decided that this terrible television program should be on? And every fucking day? Depressing.
I was going to go on at length about this program on the evidence provided, but along with the bile that this complete fucking piece of shit brought up was a more touching realisation that our's is a nation in decline. And I'm not about to turn into the Daily Mail.
There used to be a this TV show where a brilliant, epoch-defining broadcaster presided over a bunch of braying wankers in two rooms, one big one, and one small one with a big desk and seats for guests. He regularly used to shout at the wankers so they could participate, and had a mix of celebrity guests on to chat. The program wasn't perfect, but you watched it every week. It wasn't a great show, looking back, it was a bit blokey, but it made you laugh, it had great bands, and it was zeitgeisty.
There was also a show where two good comedians who knew stuff about football had celebrity guests in to talk about football in front of a crowd of braying wankers, and made amusing observations about the game. They regularly used to shout at the wankers to get them to join in. The program wasn't perfect, but you watched it every week. It wasn't a great show, it was a bit blokey, but it made you laugh, they knew about football, and it was zeigeisty.
Now there's a show where a shit comedian who knows nothing about football presides over a bunch of braying wankers in two rooms. He regularly shouts at the wankers to encourage participation and he has celebrity guests in to talk about football. The program is not perfect, in fact it's probably as far away from perfect as it could be, and if you see it, you'll want to pluck your eyes out to avoid watching it again. It's not a great show, there aren't any good bands anywhere, they know fuck all about football, the man behind it is a big fat wanker with nothing to bring to any fucking tables, and it couldn't be less zeitgeisty if it tried.
Why the fuck has anyone decided that this terrible television program should be on? And every fucking day? Depressing.
Friday, 11 June 2010
Opening match: SA 1 Mexico 1
Obviously off to a flyer with my predictions. Decent game.
Great hit by Shabbawalla or whatever his name was. Equally shit defending from South Africa to concede the equaliser. SA looked much better when they pressed harder in the second half, and shut down the Mexican right.
But of course, the main topic of the match is the fucking vuvuzelas. I'm obviously all in favour of exuberance, and it's great that South Africa is so excited about the tournament, but could you not fucking chant instead of that incessant droning? I just hope the vuvufuckingzelas are only played at SA matches, and don't tarnish every fucking day. I get enough droning in the ear from the missus, I don't need it from forty thousand plastic fucking trumpets.
The tournament got off to a good start though. Even Drury wasn't a complete cretin today; I was glad it was him and not Tyldo, who would have tried to say something incredibly meaningful about the poignant opening goal and simply sounded like a vapid, annoying cunt, as always.
Great hit by Shabbawalla or whatever his name was. Equally shit defending from South Africa to concede the equaliser. SA looked much better when they pressed harder in the second half, and shut down the Mexican right.
But of course, the main topic of the match is the fucking vuvuzelas. I'm obviously all in favour of exuberance, and it's great that South Africa is so excited about the tournament, but could you not fucking chant instead of that incessant droning? I just hope the vuvufuckingzelas are only played at SA matches, and don't tarnish every fucking day. I get enough droning in the ear from the missus, I don't need it from forty thousand plastic fucking trumpets.
The tournament got off to a good start though. Even Drury wasn't a complete cretin today; I was glad it was him and not Tyldo, who would have tried to say something incredibly meaningful about the poignant opening goal and simply sounded like a vapid, annoying cunt, as always.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Predictions
I'll not be posting over the weekend, and am sloping off early tomorrow to watch the opening ceremony, so here are my predictions for the first eight fixtures.
SA vs Mexico
As much as I would enjoy South Africa to get off to a great start (tournaments are improved by a strong host nation), I think Mexico will end up stealing this one. They take an early lead, SA equalise in the second half but Mexico go on to win 2-1
France vs Uruguay
France are traditionally slow starters, Uruguay have won one world cup match since 1970, and that was against South Korea in the last minute. A draw here, and probably a fucking dire one, despite the fact that the match will feature attackers of the calibre of Ribery, Forlan, Anelka, Suarez and Gourcuff (Alvaro Recoba should still be playing as well really, but I imagine he just snorts coke off prozzies nowadays: one of the tragedies of 21st century football). We'll say 0-0, but it might be 1-1
Greece vs South Korea
I was delighted that Greece won Euro 2004, principally because it seemed fairly surreal, and the fact that they beat France and Portugal twice. But if they are anything like they were at Euro 2008, I will be hoping they lose three times. Theofanis Gekas has again managed to score plenty of goals in qualifying: fuck knows how, he was similarly talked up two years ago and proceeded to play like Michael Ricketts. South Korea are always a decent watch; if stereotypes are anything to go by, they will run like the wind, press hard and hope to flick a way through the Greek's slumbering defences, although they may be underpowered in the air. I'll go for 1-0 South Korea out of hope more than expectation. We're going to my parents' for a barbecue for this one, with food from all the day's matches. Hot Dogs indeed.
Argentina vs Nigeria
Argentina will be fairly dull, I reckon, relying on the magic of Messi and Di Maria for penetration. They and Higuain will presumably have too much for Nigeria (and everyone to the quarter final probably), but the fact that they Gabi Heinze will apparently line up at left-back might allow the Nigerians to score a consolation. I am rather hoping that Seba Veron gives a Valderama style masterclass of passing and game management in central midfield, to make some ammends for his disastrous time in England (which is underrated, to be fair), but I doubt it will work later in the tournament. Nigeria may select Olofinjana and Kanu in central midfield though, so this might be Veron's big game. 3-1, Messi will score.
England vs USA
8-0. ROAR. Next.
Slovenia vs Algeria
Is this the first match that dj will miss, allowing his missus to finally watch Thursday's episode of The Good Wife (dj will obviously watch as well; Julianna Margulies is an all time Would Smash)? No. dj is going to be a right cunt at the weekends, not even allowing his baby to watch CBeebies. Slovenia will probably sneak a win, Algeria are supposed to be utterly shite. 1-0
Ghana vs Serbia
Really looking forward to this one; should be the game of the weekend. Ghana will be lacking Absolute Rapist and Midfield Colossus Michael Essien, but Kevin Prince Boateng can at least fulfil the studs up part of his midfield role, if not the drive and hammer right boot. Appiah has been injured for about four years, and may not be the same metronomic passer of four years ago (when he barely misplaced a single pass in the group stage), Muntari seems to have been fairly exposed since his move to Inter, and although Asamoah Gyan is coming off a pretty good year in France, I would be amazed if he scored a goal of any sort here. Serbia have a resolute defence with Ivanovic (who has quietly come one of the best defenders in the Premiership) and Vidic, and are quietly tipped. There have to be matches where the African teams utilise the conditions and the home support though, and I reckon this will be one of them. Ghana will win 2-0 I think.
Germany vs Australia
This is being talked about as Germany's worst team for a while, although I wonder if this talking is being done by anyone who watched Germany play in Euro 2000 or especially Euro 2004, where they were absolutely fucking awful. The absence of Ballack will not help their chances, but Schweinisteiger's new brio as a midfield general will help ease the burden. I'm in two minds about the Ockers: They have Timmy Cahill, which is good (I have a deep seated love of football that involves crosses, knockdowns and lung-busting midfielders; Cahill is all about this style of play, and is not adverse to the rough stuff), but they have Harry Kewell (who will apparently play as a lone centre forward; which would frankly be the most baffling decision of all time, although you'd have said that about Totti at Roma under Spalletti, and that worked), who is a bit of cunt, frankly. I think Australia were lucky to get out of their group four years ago (although heaven forbid I imply that Hiddink is not the absolute best manager ever), will probably finish bottom of the rather challenging group D, and will lose comfortably here. 2-0 sounds about right. I really hope Mario Gomez gets one of them, but probably he won't.
I am hoping to have got one score right, and four results. I won't though, they'll all be wrong. Except for England. Heskey hat-trick. Bosh.
SA vs Mexico
As much as I would enjoy South Africa to get off to a great start (tournaments are improved by a strong host nation), I think Mexico will end up stealing this one. They take an early lead, SA equalise in the second half but Mexico go on to win 2-1
France vs Uruguay
France are traditionally slow starters, Uruguay have won one world cup match since 1970, and that was against South Korea in the last minute. A draw here, and probably a fucking dire one, despite the fact that the match will feature attackers of the calibre of Ribery, Forlan, Anelka, Suarez and Gourcuff (Alvaro Recoba should still be playing as well really, but I imagine he just snorts coke off prozzies nowadays: one of the tragedies of 21st century football). We'll say 0-0, but it might be 1-1
Greece vs South Korea
I was delighted that Greece won Euro 2004, principally because it seemed fairly surreal, and the fact that they beat France and Portugal twice. But if they are anything like they were at Euro 2008, I will be hoping they lose three times. Theofanis Gekas has again managed to score plenty of goals in qualifying: fuck knows how, he was similarly talked up two years ago and proceeded to play like Michael Ricketts. South Korea are always a decent watch; if stereotypes are anything to go by, they will run like the wind, press hard and hope to flick a way through the Greek's slumbering defences, although they may be underpowered in the air. I'll go for 1-0 South Korea out of hope more than expectation. We're going to my parents' for a barbecue for this one, with food from all the day's matches. Hot Dogs indeed.
Argentina vs Nigeria
Argentina will be fairly dull, I reckon, relying on the magic of Messi and Di Maria for penetration. They and Higuain will presumably have too much for Nigeria (and everyone to the quarter final probably), but the fact that they Gabi Heinze will apparently line up at left-back might allow the Nigerians to score a consolation. I am rather hoping that Seba Veron gives a Valderama style masterclass of passing and game management in central midfield, to make some ammends for his disastrous time in England (which is underrated, to be fair), but I doubt it will work later in the tournament. Nigeria may select Olofinjana and Kanu in central midfield though, so this might be Veron's big game. 3-1, Messi will score.
England vs USA
8-0. ROAR. Next.
Slovenia vs Algeria
Is this the first match that dj will miss, allowing his missus to finally watch Thursday's episode of The Good Wife (dj will obviously watch as well; Julianna Margulies is an all time Would Smash)? No. dj is going to be a right cunt at the weekends, not even allowing his baby to watch CBeebies. Slovenia will probably sneak a win, Algeria are supposed to be utterly shite. 1-0
Ghana vs Serbia
Really looking forward to this one; should be the game of the weekend. Ghana will be lacking Absolute Rapist and Midfield Colossus Michael Essien, but Kevin Prince Boateng can at least fulfil the studs up part of his midfield role, if not the drive and hammer right boot. Appiah has been injured for about four years, and may not be the same metronomic passer of four years ago (when he barely misplaced a single pass in the group stage), Muntari seems to have been fairly exposed since his move to Inter, and although Asamoah Gyan is coming off a pretty good year in France, I would be amazed if he scored a goal of any sort here. Serbia have a resolute defence with Ivanovic (who has quietly come one of the best defenders in the Premiership) and Vidic, and are quietly tipped. There have to be matches where the African teams utilise the conditions and the home support though, and I reckon this will be one of them. Ghana will win 2-0 I think.
Germany vs Australia
This is being talked about as Germany's worst team for a while, although I wonder if this talking is being done by anyone who watched Germany play in Euro 2000 or especially Euro 2004, where they were absolutely fucking awful. The absence of Ballack will not help their chances, but Schweinisteiger's new brio as a midfield general will help ease the burden. I'm in two minds about the Ockers: They have Timmy Cahill, which is good (I have a deep seated love of football that involves crosses, knockdowns and lung-busting midfielders; Cahill is all about this style of play, and is not adverse to the rough stuff), but they have Harry Kewell (who will apparently play as a lone centre forward; which would frankly be the most baffling decision of all time, although you'd have said that about Totti at Roma under Spalletti, and that worked), who is a bit of cunt, frankly. I think Australia were lucky to get out of their group four years ago (although heaven forbid I imply that Hiddink is not the absolute best manager ever), will probably finish bottom of the rather challenging group D, and will lose comfortably here. 2-0 sounds about right. I really hope Mario Gomez gets one of them, but probably he won't.
I am hoping to have got one score right, and four results. I won't though, they'll all be wrong. Except for England. Heskey hat-trick. Bosh.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Football on TV
It's effectively shit isn't it?
Apparently there is some level of excitement for Adrian Chiles making his big tournament bow for ITV, although quite why this functional everyman is heralded as some sort of saviour is a mystery to me. Chiles is a decent TV pro, but is hardly memorable. The fact is that Chiles' main virtue is the fact that his presence does not instantly make you reach for the mute button, make you desperately turn over to watch adverts on another channel, or start tweeting bitterly about how much of a cunt he is, unlike virtually every other man currently working in televised football industry in Britain. It hardly seems a story to make the front pages of the tabs, but it somehow did a month or so back.
Sir Gary Lineker is of course Chiles main competition over on Auntie. Lineker is oft-maligned by some; my own position is fairly simple. Gary Lineker scored the most important goal of my football life (and probably the second and third most important as well). It will take more than ten years of shitty vanilla broadcasting to use up my goodwill towards him: simply put, Lineker is still a legend in my book, so despite his terrible puns, permatan, bland opinions and matey banter, he remains my anchor of choice. The back-up anchors (Jake Humphries on BBC1, Matt Smith on ITV) are decent enough;I retain a fondness for Smith ever since the Monday Premiership, and Humphries did well with the last few Superbowls, so will be welcomed chez dj. Most of all, whoever Gaby Logan works for (I forget), will be thoroughly welcomed: knows the game, and Would Smash.
It all becomes a bit more difficult after that. The pundits, for example, are mostly a long list of cretinous wankers you wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. Alan Hansen peaked at around the same time as S Club 7 (Euro 2000/Reach respectively), and should have fucked off about the same time, instead of leaning back and muttering the same thin-lipped bollocks about "pace, penetration, power". Alan Shearer has nothing to offer the viewer, aside from the contents of his trousers. Shearer, despite being a marvellous centre forward, somehow has not been as fortunate as Lineker in retaining any of my goodwill: he is perhaps the biggest cunt out of the whole bunch. Lee Dixon is fairly vapid, although inoffensive, and perhaps offers the most insight out of these three. I am usually a fan of Martin Keown on MOTD2, and hope that he might make an appearance. O Neill is ok, Strachan is fantastic if he turns up.
Over on Channel 3, Andy Townsend and Robbie Earle are, if possible, somehow even worse than Hansen and Shearer. Townsend is fairly passable on the radio when I've heard him on Talksport, but seems embarrassingly vapid on TV, utilising only cliches. Townsend seems to be aiming to be a more informal Shearer, so he will say nothing of interest, but do it in a vaguely matey, colloquial way: fuck you, Andy. I do like Gareth Southgate though, and have ever since he first came through as a player. He's a better pundit than he was a manager, and should stick to that role if possible. Actually, I doubt he'll get much choice.
The commentators and co-commentators are, of course, when the real cunts come out to play. Clive Fucking Tyldsley is perhaps the biggest among these. A man who believes that the fact that Brian Moore (Rest In Peace With Shitloads Of Beautiful Women And Fine Wine) happened to retire a year before United won the European Cup in the second biggest trophy robbery of the last twenty years and therefore that he, by default, was commentating when Sheringham and Solskjaer scored means that he has to mention it every fucking time he has a microphone in front of him. Let's get one or two things straight, Clive. You were commentating on two momentous evenings in European football, but you contributed very little to them. If anything, your contribution was a negative one, in that people were forced to turn off your commentary and listen to the radio, or simply watch the match in silence. You add nothing to the occasion, no analysis, no insight, no weight, no gravitas, merely an unbelievably irritating desire to make everything feel like a massive occasion. You never say anything to help the viewer understand better what is going on in front of him. You are merely a self-important prick, who is incompetent at your job, who believes himself to be part of football's rich history. Well you're not, Clive. The truth is this: Everyone fucking hates you, you massive fucking wanker.
Ahem.
Peter Drury is ITV's other commentator. The situation with Drury is somewhat simpler: he doesn't have the same belief in his own importance, but he is somehow a less competent commentator than Tyldsley, adding somehow even less explanation or insight to the occasion. Somehow, Tyldsley and Drury have achieved an remarkable feat: each one makes you simultaneously relieved that it is them who is commentating, not that other twat, but also wish that it was the other one, because this one is so shit. A remarkable vicious circle that will make the mute button the most used in the dj house over the next few weeks.
Since Motty has finally fucked off (thank you God), BBC have nothing like the level of irritation in the commentary box; Jonathan Pearce is nothing special, but at least he doesn't bring the same approach to matches he used to on Capital Gold: every fucking day they would play an edit of Three Lions with Pearce's absurd bellowing over the top: "Ready Steady Teddy" and "A, L, Super Al, Super Alan Shearer" For Fucks Sake. Thank fuck he has now toned it down a bit.
Like the commentators, there is precious little talent in the co-commentator department either. Jim Beglin seems to have deteriorated massively in terms of his analysis over the last 15 years, to the point that I'm sure that his wife wonders if he is coming down with pre-senile dementia; look out for him if he is commentating on African teams, because this is a man to whom every black player is identical, if his attempts to identify Sulley Muntari when Inter met Barca are anything to go by. David Pleat is equally witless; incapable of pronouncing names, and with one of the most annoying voices you can imagine: like the boy in your class at school who loved trains. It's a shame, because he's solid in print, and capable of giving insight (I sound like a fucking parrot with that, but you wonder why it seems that so few people in the industry have grasped that their job is to help the viewer at home understand what they are watching, and if they can't do that, either because they are so dull that they have nothing to say (Graeme Le Saux) or genuinely possess a subnormal IQ (Ian Wright), they should simply fuck off).
Lest it appear that I am being too harsh on ITV, the Beeb's Mark Lawrenson is of course the biggest cunt in the Co-Commentator class. Lawro appears to have had all his humour and joie de vivre sucked out by Shearer's promotion to the first choice couch with Hansen and Lineker. Yet still he continues to crack terrible jokes. Needless to say, he has a complete inability to add anything that gives the viewer or listener added insight to the game (again).
I'm frankly sick of all these cunts already, and I've not had to watch one game thus far, so we'll leave it there, I think.
Apparently there is some level of excitement for Adrian Chiles making his big tournament bow for ITV, although quite why this functional everyman is heralded as some sort of saviour is a mystery to me. Chiles is a decent TV pro, but is hardly memorable. The fact is that Chiles' main virtue is the fact that his presence does not instantly make you reach for the mute button, make you desperately turn over to watch adverts on another channel, or start tweeting bitterly about how much of a cunt he is, unlike virtually every other man currently working in televised football industry in Britain. It hardly seems a story to make the front pages of the tabs, but it somehow did a month or so back.
Sir Gary Lineker is of course Chiles main competition over on Auntie. Lineker is oft-maligned by some; my own position is fairly simple. Gary Lineker scored the most important goal of my football life (and probably the second and third most important as well). It will take more than ten years of shitty vanilla broadcasting to use up my goodwill towards him: simply put, Lineker is still a legend in my book, so despite his terrible puns, permatan, bland opinions and matey banter, he remains my anchor of choice. The back-up anchors (Jake Humphries on BBC1, Matt Smith on ITV) are decent enough;I retain a fondness for Smith ever since the Monday Premiership, and Humphries did well with the last few Superbowls, so will be welcomed chez dj. Most of all, whoever Gaby Logan works for (I forget), will be thoroughly welcomed: knows the game, and Would Smash.
It all becomes a bit more difficult after that. The pundits, for example, are mostly a long list of cretinous wankers you wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. Alan Hansen peaked at around the same time as S Club 7 (Euro 2000/Reach respectively), and should have fucked off about the same time, instead of leaning back and muttering the same thin-lipped bollocks about "pace, penetration, power". Alan Shearer has nothing to offer the viewer, aside from the contents of his trousers. Shearer, despite being a marvellous centre forward, somehow has not been as fortunate as Lineker in retaining any of my goodwill: he is perhaps the biggest cunt out of the whole bunch. Lee Dixon is fairly vapid, although inoffensive, and perhaps offers the most insight out of these three. I am usually a fan of Martin Keown on MOTD2, and hope that he might make an appearance. O Neill is ok, Strachan is fantastic if he turns up.
Over on Channel 3, Andy Townsend and Robbie Earle are, if possible, somehow even worse than Hansen and Shearer. Townsend is fairly passable on the radio when I've heard him on Talksport, but seems embarrassingly vapid on TV, utilising only cliches. Townsend seems to be aiming to be a more informal Shearer, so he will say nothing of interest, but do it in a vaguely matey, colloquial way: fuck you, Andy. I do like Gareth Southgate though, and have ever since he first came through as a player. He's a better pundit than he was a manager, and should stick to that role if possible. Actually, I doubt he'll get much choice.
The commentators and co-commentators are, of course, when the real cunts come out to play. Clive Fucking Tyldsley is perhaps the biggest among these. A man who believes that the fact that Brian Moore (Rest In Peace With Shitloads Of Beautiful Women And Fine Wine) happened to retire a year before United won the European Cup in the second biggest trophy robbery of the last twenty years and therefore that he, by default, was commentating when Sheringham and Solskjaer scored means that he has to mention it every fucking time he has a microphone in front of him. Let's get one or two things straight, Clive. You were commentating on two momentous evenings in European football, but you contributed very little to them. If anything, your contribution was a negative one, in that people were forced to turn off your commentary and listen to the radio, or simply watch the match in silence. You add nothing to the occasion, no analysis, no insight, no weight, no gravitas, merely an unbelievably irritating desire to make everything feel like a massive occasion. You never say anything to help the viewer understand better what is going on in front of him. You are merely a self-important prick, who is incompetent at your job, who believes himself to be part of football's rich history. Well you're not, Clive. The truth is this: Everyone fucking hates you, you massive fucking wanker.
Ahem.
Peter Drury is ITV's other commentator. The situation with Drury is somewhat simpler: he doesn't have the same belief in his own importance, but he is somehow a less competent commentator than Tyldsley, adding somehow even less explanation or insight to the occasion. Somehow, Tyldsley and Drury have achieved an remarkable feat: each one makes you simultaneously relieved that it is them who is commentating, not that other twat, but also wish that it was the other one, because this one is so shit. A remarkable vicious circle that will make the mute button the most used in the dj house over the next few weeks.
Since Motty has finally fucked off (thank you God), BBC have nothing like the level of irritation in the commentary box; Jonathan Pearce is nothing special, but at least he doesn't bring the same approach to matches he used to on Capital Gold: every fucking day they would play an edit of Three Lions with Pearce's absurd bellowing over the top: "Ready Steady Teddy" and "A, L, Super Al, Super Alan Shearer" For Fucks Sake. Thank fuck he has now toned it down a bit.
Like the commentators, there is precious little talent in the co-commentator department either. Jim Beglin seems to have deteriorated massively in terms of his analysis over the last 15 years, to the point that I'm sure that his wife wonders if he is coming down with pre-senile dementia; look out for him if he is commentating on African teams, because this is a man to whom every black player is identical, if his attempts to identify Sulley Muntari when Inter met Barca are anything to go by. David Pleat is equally witless; incapable of pronouncing names, and with one of the most annoying voices you can imagine: like the boy in your class at school who loved trains. It's a shame, because he's solid in print, and capable of giving insight (I sound like a fucking parrot with that, but you wonder why it seems that so few people in the industry have grasped that their job is to help the viewer at home understand what they are watching, and if they can't do that, either because they are so dull that they have nothing to say (Graeme Le Saux) or genuinely possess a subnormal IQ (Ian Wright), they should simply fuck off).
Lest it appear that I am being too harsh on ITV, the Beeb's Mark Lawrenson is of course the biggest cunt in the Co-Commentator class. Lawro appears to have had all his humour and joie de vivre sucked out by Shearer's promotion to the first choice couch with Hansen and Lineker. Yet still he continues to crack terrible jokes. Needless to say, he has a complete inability to add anything that gives the viewer or listener added insight to the game (again).
I'm frankly sick of all these cunts already, and I've not had to watch one game thus far, so we'll leave it there, I think.
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