TV: Final report cards

So I probably forgot a few guys the last time, hopefully this time I'll remember everyone:

Starting with the BBC (incidentally, the viewing figures for the final, apparently, saw BBC peak at 18 million viewers, and ITV1 peak with 3.8 million viewers: are they going to give up do you think? Perhaps they thought that Beggers unexplained absence (read STI or the presenile dementia really kicking it up a notch, or maybe a combination of the two) was the real crushing blow.


Lineker: PASS. And not just because he's Gary Lineker, he did a pretty good job I thought, was fairly quick witted and was excellent when they reminisced about 1990.

Murray: FAIL Norn Iron et al. I don't spose I'll be watching much fucking MOTD2 this year.


Hansen: FAIL Principally because of all this "great hit" bollocks.

Shearer: FAIL And I realised why I didn't want Spain to win: it's because Shearer had picked them before the tournament, and looked so fucking sad when they lost to the Swiss that I started praying they wouldn't even get out the group. I pity Shearer now, rather than despise him.

Dixon: Has been retconned to a FAIL; he's such a fucking hindsight merchant.

Klinsmann: PASS I liked him actually. Excellent talking about Italia 90, and seems more thoughtful than most.

Seedorf: PASS for that short about the ball. Brilliant. He was approaching fail for everything else.

Adebayor: PASS sorry sorry sorry - I know he was fucking awful, but he talked at length about cradling a dying man in his arms; given the standard of the rest of it (Lawro talking about the Boer War?), this was a stunning moment. And his phone went off because his daughter had been born, give him a fucking break. He was shit though, no mistaking that.


Redknapp: FAIL This is my most one-eyed rating, because Redknapp was often the best thing on screen when he was there, but I fucking hate him, so there.

Hodgson: PASS It's Woy, everyone loves Woy. Or at least, they did until he went to Liverpool.

Motson: PASS I liked his studio spots, principally because he droned for 45 seconds rather than 45 minutes. I respect the guy for his knowledge, so enjoyed these segments.

Lawrenson: FAIL Just fuck off with the jokes now.

Bright: FAIL Jesus. Unbelievably dull.

McCarthy: FAIL I like Mick a lot, but not when he's talking. Again, could make you want to switch off a Miley Cyrus porno.

Keown: FAIL A decent pundit made a boring Co-Comm. A shame.

Mowbray: FAIL Completely unsuited to being a number one commentator. I know I have a pop at Tyldo continually for his irritating attempts to convince you that you are watching something Truly Important; but Mowbray is incapable of investing anything with any weight, and as such was a poor choice for the big matches here. If this was his trial as one of the big boys, he failed. And his one-eyedness when it came to England was fucking shameful for a "British" broadcaster.

Pearce: PASS, principally because he made me glad it wasn't Mowbray.

Wilson: FAIL, I had him and Mowbray confused for most of the time. Equally nondescript.


Gabby: PASS or perhaps more accurately SMASH


I think that's 8-11, for a score of -3. I think that's going to be enough to win it, in fact, they did pretty well really. Well done BBC.



ITV


Chiles: FAIL ITV fucked this up majorly, and proved beyond any dispute that Adrian Chiles is not suited to primetime sports broadcasting presentation. He may be a decent hand with light entertainment, he may have a light touch with highlight shows, but he doesn't have what it takes to present the televisual coverage of the World Cup. The experiment failed, and I hope that they simply give Matt Smith a go at the long term anchor shot. He's a pro, and is being wasted wherever he is. They've bought in anchor upon anchor, and they overlook the homegrown pro they have right there. Hopefully when Chiles fucks off to GMTV, they give Smith a crack at the Champions League and see what he can do.


I didn't watch any highlights on ITV, so I have no idea who presented that. Maybe it was my beloved Smith.


Townsend: FAIL I acutally haven't seen the bloke analyse anything for weeks, because I simply don't watch the ITV half-time coverage or build-up. I simply don't believe it's going to add to my understanding or enjoyment of the occasion. Andy played a full part in this. He's played out.


Earle: FAIL Because he got sacked for selling his comp tickets for use in a marketing stunt, basically.


Southgate: PASS I like him, I guess. He's no more or less bland than anyone else, I'm just gently biased.


Keegan: PASS He didn't quit halfway through, after all. That represents a win for Wor Kevin.


Davids: FAIL Absolutely bloody awful, probably the worst token black man out of the lot, I found him actively repellent. Fuck off with yer sponsored clothes.


Radebe: FAIL A bucket of water would have made an equal impression.


Vieira: PASS For the spherical head, mostly. I would have loved it if he had smeared decongestant on his shirt and tie.


Desailly: FAIL You might be Ghanaian by birth mate, but you fucking sold them down the river as soon as you could for a shot at glory with France. So pipe down and fucking stop with the dancing; you weren't patriotic enough to actually represent your fucking country.


Burley: FAIL Often, a co-commentator has to analyse and discuss whether a penalty should be awarded for a challenge in the box. Burley got every single one wrong, without exception. Not good, but fairly consistent with the rest of his job.


Beggers: FAIL Just appalling. Maybe it used to be that I was stupid, rather than that he used to be good.


Coleman: FAIL Just completely inappropriate for television. Completely bloody awful everytime he was on. Dull, monotonous voice spouting cliche after cliche. Terrible choice.


Tyldo: FAIL He won't change, I can see that now. I think, to be honest, I'm just not going to watch football on ITV. I hope they don't get any good matches in the next European Championship.


Drury: FAIL Again, the voice, the mistakes, the terrible sentences ... nothing's changing in a hurry. They've had 12 years with these two behind the mike, and they still think they're worth employing. Just don't watch ITV.

That's everyone I think ... 3-11. They can have a PASS for Smith if he was doing the highlights, for 4-11, and that's -7. So the Corden tiebreak didn't even come into play.

I'd love it if there was to be some sort of shift in the broadcasting of football in this country, and that football programs would feature commentators who add to the pictures, co-commentators giving serious analysis, pundits who focus on tactics and shape, and a starting ethos that just because you are good at football or even management, you will not necessarily be a good pundit. It's probably an impossible dream though. As it is, I don't think I'll bother watching much ITV football again.