Germany vs Argentina

1) Argentina obviously didn't watch the England or Australia (or Serbia or Ghana) games closely enough. You need five men in midfield against Germany. Argentina'a approach of leaving Mascherano with Di Maria and Rodriguez working the flanks was absurd.

2) Thomas Mueller didn't look anything special in the Champions League games I saw; however he is clearly a real talent. Hard working, decent game awareness, great movement, a good touch, and a goalscorer to boot. He might be missed against Spain.

3) Klose deserves his place up in the pantheon of World Cup goalscorers. You don't score 14 goals in World Cups without being a decent taker of chances and without having sufficient ability to be in place to score in the first place.

4) Bastian Schweinsteiger has been by far the best midfielder on show in this tournament.

5) A slightly off-colour Messi is not good enough to simply win matches all by himself. To be honest, I doubt if he is good enough to win matches all by himself even on top form; perhaps some recognition that he plays in front of two of the finest midfielders on earth with some fabulous forwards alongside is due. Messi may be one of the great players of all time, certainly he often looks like the best player in the world; perhaps a little less deification is necessary though. The truth is that each star who has been built up for this tournament has disappointed in the face of the hype placed on them; the hype needs to stop. Teams are always more important than individuals anway.

Argentina vs Mexico

1) I was drunk and had eaten a lot of meat by the time that this game kicked off. Therefore my memories may not be entirely reliable. I think this was a game that ended up being totally ruined by a wrongly allowed goal; credit to Mexico for still making a game of it, it looked for a while in the first half as if it was going to kick off big time.

2) Tevez scored an outrageous goal to make up for his cheating ways: the best I've seen in the tournament. A rare occasion for Hansen to be justified with his "great hit" bollox.

3) I'm not a big Lionel Messi fan, truth be told. I don't really like the fact that although he's so rich, he still has such rubbish hair. You wouldn't want Tevez' hair (black, greasy and lank held back by a hairband), but at least it's distinctively rubbish. Messi's is neither short nor long, has no wave or curl to it, it's just there. Poor. I appreciate he's quite good at the whole "kicking the ball"; they should can the fucking Maradona comparison though. The overall level of the Argentina 1986 side was basically a quarter final team, and he made them champions. If you took out Samuel, Mascherano, Di Maria and Tevez and Argentina won the World Cup this year, that would be different. But now? Nowhere close. Great player though, hair and media bullshit aside.

4) Javi Hernandez will score at least four winners for Manchester United next season. He looks like a serious little player.

Dr Carlos Bilardo

Chainsmoking coach of the 1986 and 1990 Argentina teams, the tactician who got the best out of Maradona and the man who credits himself with inventing the 3-5-2 formation that became so popular after 1986 (although it has it's similarities with catenaccio etc.). Bilardo came up with the best quote of the tournament thus far, after decrying Maradona's promise to streak through Buenos Aires if Argentina won the World Cup "passe":

"I say this: the player who scores our winning goal in the final is free to enter me from behind."

I can't imagine Sir Alf Ramsey's (who was probably called Harold, Sid or Len) trainer in 1966 bending over for Sir Geoff Hurst, but then 1960's Britain was a far more repressed world.

Argentina vs Nigeria

Perhaps the match most affected by me drinking thus far.

We gathered to watch the latter two matches at my parents' house on Saturday: such affairs normally turn into a day at the nursery with my 2 year old nephew and 5 month old dj junior the centre of attention, but despite dj junior managing to dribble so much on his new England kit that he looked like he had a Vieira style amount of decongestent smeared on his chest, beer, grilled meat and football remained the centre of attention.

I watched the whole game, but don't really remember much about it. I wanted to see more of Di Maria, who was a bit peripheral. Messi did well, but should have scored a couple of his easier chances. Presumably once they reach the knockout stage, Gutierrez will be replaced with Burdisso, given his ability to play at right back. Argentina should have won by several more, but Martins looked pretty good, and Nigeria shouldn't lose heart with regard to getting through; their key match will be with South Korea.

Higuain's miss from Messi's run was a bit of a shocker obviously, but some of Messi's silky running was a joy to watch, and I got the impression that Mascherano had a fine game.

Predictions

I'll not be posting over the weekend, and am sloping off early tomorrow to watch the opening ceremony, so here are my predictions for the first eight fixtures.

SA vs Mexico

As much as I would enjoy South Africa to get off to a great start (tournaments are improved by a strong host nation), I think Mexico will end up stealing this one. They take an early lead, SA equalise in the second half but Mexico go on to win 2-1

France vs Uruguay

France are traditionally slow starters, Uruguay have won one world cup match since 1970, and that was against South Korea in the last minute. A draw here, and probably a fucking dire one, despite the fact that the match will feature attackers of the calibre of Ribery, Forlan, Anelka, Suarez and Gourcuff (Alvaro Recoba should still be playing as well really, but I imagine he just snorts coke off prozzies nowadays: one of the tragedies of 21st century football). We'll say 0-0, but it might be 1-1

Greece vs South Korea

I was delighted that Greece won Euro 2004, principally because it seemed fairly surreal, and the fact that they beat France and Portugal twice. But if they are anything like they were at Euro 2008, I will be hoping they lose three times. Theofanis Gekas has again managed to score plenty of goals in qualifying: fuck knows how, he was similarly talked up two years ago and proceeded to play like Michael Ricketts. South Korea are always a decent watch; if stereotypes are anything to go by, they will run like the wind, press hard and hope to flick a way through the Greek's slumbering defences, although they may be underpowered in the air. I'll go for 1-0 South Korea out of hope more than expectation. We're going to my parents' for a barbecue for this one, with food from all the day's matches. Hot Dogs indeed.

Argentina vs Nigeria

Argentina will be fairly dull, I reckon, relying on the magic of Messi and Di Maria for penetration. They and Higuain will presumably have too much for Nigeria (and everyone to the quarter final probably), but the fact that they Gabi Heinze will apparently line up at left-back might allow the Nigerians to score a consolation. I am rather hoping that Seba Veron gives a Valderama style masterclass of passing and game management in central midfield, to make some ammends for his disastrous time in England (which is underrated, to be fair), but I doubt it will work later in the tournament. Nigeria may select Olofinjana and Kanu in central midfield though, so this might be Veron's big game. 3-1, Messi will score.

England vs USA

8-0. ROAR. Next.

Slovenia vs Algeria

Is this the first match that dj will miss, allowing his missus to finally watch Thursday's episode of The Good Wife (dj will obviously watch as well; Julianna Margulies is an all time Would Smash)? No. dj is going to be a right cunt at the weekends, not even allowing his baby to watch CBeebies. Slovenia will probably sneak a win, Algeria are supposed to be utterly shite. 1-0

Ghana vs Serbia

Really looking forward to this one; should be the game of the weekend. Ghana will be lacking Absolute Rapist and Midfield Colossus Michael Essien, but Kevin Prince Boateng can at least fulfil the studs up part of his midfield role, if not the drive and hammer right boot. Appiah has been injured for about four years, and may not be the same metronomic passer of four years ago (when he barely misplaced a single pass in the group stage), Muntari seems to have been fairly exposed since his move to Inter, and although Asamoah Gyan is coming off a pretty good year in France, I would be amazed if he scored a goal of any sort here. Serbia have a resolute defence with Ivanovic (who has quietly come one of the best defenders in the Premiership) and Vidic, and are quietly tipped. There have to be matches where the African teams utilise the conditions and the home support though, and I reckon this will be one of them. Ghana will win 2-0 I think.

Germany vs Australia

This is being talked about as Germany's worst team for a while, although I wonder if this talking is being done by anyone who watched Germany play in Euro 2000 or especially Euro 2004, where they were absolutely fucking awful. The absence of Ballack will not help their chances, but Schweinisteiger's new brio as a midfield general will help ease the burden. I'm in two minds about the Ockers: They have Timmy Cahill, which is good (I have a deep seated love of football that involves crosses, knockdowns and lung-busting midfielders; Cahill is all about this style of play, and is not adverse to the rough stuff), but they have Harry Kewell (who will apparently play as a lone centre forward; which would frankly be the most baffling decision of all time, although you'd have said that about Totti at Roma under Spalletti, and that worked), who is a bit of cunt, frankly. I think Australia were lucky to get out of their group four years ago (although heaven forbid I imply that Hiddink is not the absolute best manager ever), will probably finish bottom of the rather challenging group D, and will lose comfortably here. 2-0 sounds about right. I really hope Mario Gomez gets one of them, but probably he won't.

I am hoping to have got one score right, and four results. I won't though, they'll all be wrong. Except for England. Heskey hat-trick. Bosh.

Great World Cup Moments #8

Since these memories seem to become mostly fouls and other acts of gamesmanship, I suppose it's time for some "proper" football.

This goal by Cambiasso ranks somewhere with Milan's second in the 1994 Champions League final as the best goals of this sort (long passing movements involving every outfield player) I have ever seen. Obviously, this goal required technique, vision and patience, and although it is taken as a 24 pass move, the end of the movement, which is where it actually becomes dangerous is more like a series of quick 1-2s involving Saviola and Riquelme and then Cambiasso and Crespo. This goal is like the encapsulation of the kind of football that Argentina, Spain and of course the neutral's darlings Barcelona seek to play: dominating possession, keeping the ball on the deck, switching play, diagonal dribbles. This kind of aesthetic seems very popular, Barcelona have become everyone's second team, and it's fairly hard to claim that you don't want to see football played by skilful players, passing the ball to one another in order to create space and score goals.

However, I can't help but compare it unfavourably to this sort of team goal, scored a year later by a player equally as annoying as Cambiasso himself. And the reason is this: you cannot watch this kind of football whilst slightly drunk.

I spent a lot of afternoons drinking during the 2006 World Cup (actually, scratch the words "the", "World" and "Cup" from that sentence); this was one of them. I recall this game, and I enjoyed it, principally because it's always great to see a proper battering in the World Cup (I even enjoyed Germany vs Saudi Arabia in 2002 at the time). But I do not remember realising how long the passage of play was until they showed it in full at half time, and told me that there were 24 passes involved. Sure, the last five passes to make a chance were great, and enthralling. But it is simply not possible to quickly drink three or four cans of premium lager and be expected to pay attention every time a team starts passing the ball methodically to each other around the team, just in case they end up, 20 passes later, with a man free in the penalty area.

Football watched by men drinking beer needs to be quick and to the point. Which, to be fair to them, Argentina understood, judging by this effort two games later. Much better: ball launched into the box, chest down clearance, kibosh. Not much chance of drifiting off during that one. A far superior goal.

Great World Cup Moments #7

Continuing the theme of rule breaking genius, El Diego. Not that you needed the link for this one, of course.

It is an undeniable fact of sport that winning is all that matters. Forget that hackneyed old shit you have to say to children about "taking part". That's for the Olympics, where it's hard to cheat without visits to San Fransisco's Bay Area first. Cheaters Do Prosper, provided they get away with it.

It's the ballsiness that makes the Hand Of God so glorious, of course. Firstly, that a man of five feet four should even attempt to give the impression that he could soar over six foot two goalkeeper Shilton to head the ball in. Secondly, the little check to see the goal had been given, before the Balls Out cheek of celebrating at least as energetically as he did for the second. Superbly done. And lastly, the coup de grace, "un poco con la cabeza de Maradona y otro poco con la mano de Dios".

Perhaps if the English weren't so fucking uptight we would be able to appreciate the bare-faced cheek a little better. Certainly there's a great deal of hypocrisy from a country self-righteously dining out on this absurd decision for forty odd fucking years. Even on Friday, Martin Peters claimed in that free rag they give away outside of tube stations that "Roger Hunt would have tapped it in if it wasn't over the line, so it must have been", overlooking the fact that any cursory glance at the 1966 final would have shown that Roger Hunt would probably have failed even at that. I wish he fucking had knocked it in, though. Although England wouldn't have The Only Player Ever To Score A Hat-Trick In The World Cup Final, we might have some moral ground for complaining about goals that should have been given, wouldn't we?

Great World Cup Moments #6

On a similar note to the last moment, I give you: Benjamin Massing.

I have happy memories of playing a game called Foul Football at school, based on a fairly simple premise: it was football, but you were allowed to foul. I'm sure I'm not alone amongst my readers in having played something similar, and equally not alone in taking such enjoyment from basically trying to cripple your opponent. Your opponent sprints faster to avoid your tackle, which merely makes it more enjoyable to send him flying.

Benjamin Massing obviously must have enjoyed similar games growing up in Cameroon, since he brought a similar style of play to Italia 90. His foul on Caniggia requires little comment, other than Massing's apparent determination to ensure that Caniggia, who for once in that World Cup (his career? Claudio was a top player, but liked a dive) actually stayed on his feet through two thuggish challenges during his sprint at the defence, will not be able to shrug off his challenge: the challenge is otherwise best described by Alan Pardew.

Fortunately, Massing had finished his suspension by the time Cameroon faced England, and he was able to (absolutely, completely and with no suspicion of play-acting from a resolute English gentleman, who never recieved a yellow card in his whole career) trip Lineker to allow England to equalise in the momentous quarter final match-up.

Great World Cup Moments #4

A genuine "fuck me" moment of genius this one. Apparently the Dutch commentary to this is an essential accompaniment.

The best fucking goal of any World Cup period, scored by a brilliant, brilliant player, in the last minute of a classic match. Frank De Boer's howitzer pass. The leaping control. One touch to go past Ayala (it only ever seems to have taken one touch to go past Ayala, taking Owen into account. God knows how he kept his reputation at all). Outside of the boot finish. Wim Jonk on his knees celebrating.

I celebrated by buying porn for my 16 year old chum from the newsagent opposite the swimming baths. On this day, a glorious one on which Croatia destroyed Germany 3-0, I'm sure it was the proprieters 14 year old girl working the till (there's nothing quite like buying pornographic magazines from a teenage girl. Especially if it's Purely 18, or Just 18, or 18, or the like).

Great World Cup Moments #2

The taking of Nafplion.

I was lucky enough to go on an "educational" trip to Greece during part of the 1998 World Cup. I say "educational"; 7 17 year old boys, each a less experience drinker than the last, one eccentric teacher, relaxed Mediterranean approach to teenage drinking, and a decent World Cup made for a memorable few days. The night England played Argentina saw us ejected from two bars, some of the least offensive hooliganism of the last forty years (witness us pulling up "do not walk on the grass signs"), a heady pub crawl and an unexpected fully clothed dip (read tumble) in the sea; little remains as memorable as the game though.

Being abroad only enhanced the match, I think, in that our obnoxious, drunken patriotism seemed to turn every Greek in the town into an Argie for the night. Maybe I'd remember the England Portugal '06 game in a similar light in these circumstances. But I think the reason this game is so memorable is the fact that it was fought by Men. Seaman, Adams, Ince, Batty, Shearer: these were Men of character and determination, Men with whom you would not wish to have a fight. I know it's an age thing, because I was younger than Owen in 1998, and I've been older than a good percentage of the team since 2002. But this was the last time that I was a kid watching men play for England, and coincidentally, or perhaps not, the last time I gave a shit about our prospects.

Great World Cup Moments #1

Your first World Cup will always stick with you, and remain treasured, no matter how utterly disappointing it looks in retrospect; trust me, I'm an Italia 90 boy. The neutral probably considers Italia 90 as the worst of all World Cups, but frankly, fuck that. You've got to Hold and Give.

Trying to remember my best moment from Italia 90 was quite difficult: I had to go to bed before extra time in the Belgium match, and whilst thinking about Turin fills me with pride for our 12 brave soldiers, it's scarcely a night to describe as Great.

So we're left with this.

This remains the footballing moment that gave my father the most pleasure, and taught me a valuable lesson for life: if you can manage to take joy in the failure of others, you won't need to have any success yourself. Thanks dad.