Predictions

I'll not be posting over the weekend, and am sloping off early tomorrow to watch the opening ceremony, so here are my predictions for the first eight fixtures.

SA vs Mexico

As much as I would enjoy South Africa to get off to a great start (tournaments are improved by a strong host nation), I think Mexico will end up stealing this one. They take an early lead, SA equalise in the second half but Mexico go on to win 2-1

France vs Uruguay

France are traditionally slow starters, Uruguay have won one world cup match since 1970, and that was against South Korea in the last minute. A draw here, and probably a fucking dire one, despite the fact that the match will feature attackers of the calibre of Ribery, Forlan, Anelka, Suarez and Gourcuff (Alvaro Recoba should still be playing as well really, but I imagine he just snorts coke off prozzies nowadays: one of the tragedies of 21st century football). We'll say 0-0, but it might be 1-1

Greece vs South Korea

I was delighted that Greece won Euro 2004, principally because it seemed fairly surreal, and the fact that they beat France and Portugal twice. But if they are anything like they were at Euro 2008, I will be hoping they lose three times. Theofanis Gekas has again managed to score plenty of goals in qualifying: fuck knows how, he was similarly talked up two years ago and proceeded to play like Michael Ricketts. South Korea are always a decent watch; if stereotypes are anything to go by, they will run like the wind, press hard and hope to flick a way through the Greek's slumbering defences, although they may be underpowered in the air. I'll go for 1-0 South Korea out of hope more than expectation. We're going to my parents' for a barbecue for this one, with food from all the day's matches. Hot Dogs indeed.

Argentina vs Nigeria

Argentina will be fairly dull, I reckon, relying on the magic of Messi and Di Maria for penetration. They and Higuain will presumably have too much for Nigeria (and everyone to the quarter final probably), but the fact that they Gabi Heinze will apparently line up at left-back might allow the Nigerians to score a consolation. I am rather hoping that Seba Veron gives a Valderama style masterclass of passing and game management in central midfield, to make some ammends for his disastrous time in England (which is underrated, to be fair), but I doubt it will work later in the tournament. Nigeria may select Olofinjana and Kanu in central midfield though, so this might be Veron's big game. 3-1, Messi will score.

England vs USA

8-0. ROAR. Next.

Slovenia vs Algeria

Is this the first match that dj will miss, allowing his missus to finally watch Thursday's episode of The Good Wife (dj will obviously watch as well; Julianna Margulies is an all time Would Smash)? No. dj is going to be a right cunt at the weekends, not even allowing his baby to watch CBeebies. Slovenia will probably sneak a win, Algeria are supposed to be utterly shite. 1-0

Ghana vs Serbia

Really looking forward to this one; should be the game of the weekend. Ghana will be lacking Absolute Rapist and Midfield Colossus Michael Essien, but Kevin Prince Boateng can at least fulfil the studs up part of his midfield role, if not the drive and hammer right boot. Appiah has been injured for about four years, and may not be the same metronomic passer of four years ago (when he barely misplaced a single pass in the group stage), Muntari seems to have been fairly exposed since his move to Inter, and although Asamoah Gyan is coming off a pretty good year in France, I would be amazed if he scored a goal of any sort here. Serbia have a resolute defence with Ivanovic (who has quietly come one of the best defenders in the Premiership) and Vidic, and are quietly tipped. There have to be matches where the African teams utilise the conditions and the home support though, and I reckon this will be one of them. Ghana will win 2-0 I think.

Germany vs Australia

This is being talked about as Germany's worst team for a while, although I wonder if this talking is being done by anyone who watched Germany play in Euro 2000 or especially Euro 2004, where they were absolutely fucking awful. The absence of Ballack will not help their chances, but Schweinisteiger's new brio as a midfield general will help ease the burden. I'm in two minds about the Ockers: They have Timmy Cahill, which is good (I have a deep seated love of football that involves crosses, knockdowns and lung-busting midfielders; Cahill is all about this style of play, and is not adverse to the rough stuff), but they have Harry Kewell (who will apparently play as a lone centre forward; which would frankly be the most baffling decision of all time, although you'd have said that about Totti at Roma under Spalletti, and that worked), who is a bit of cunt, frankly. I think Australia were lucky to get out of their group four years ago (although heaven forbid I imply that Hiddink is not the absolute best manager ever), will probably finish bottom of the rather challenging group D, and will lose comfortably here. 2-0 sounds about right. I really hope Mario Gomez gets one of them, but probably he won't.

I am hoping to have got one score right, and four results. I won't though, they'll all be wrong. Except for England. Heskey hat-trick. Bosh.